Q: “Why don’t I like sex?”

We’re answering the question. Why don’t I enjoy sex? So why don’t I enjoy sex? Well, firstly, let me say that there are people out there that genuinely don’t want to have sex, and that’s great. There’s nothing wrong with you. If you want them to Cle, just don’t have any desire to have sex. I would encourage you to look into the asexuality Spectrum if you haven’t already. Now, if you do want to have sex as in, you have the desire for sex, but you just haven’t found yourself enjoying it. It stay tuned. What is sex? If you look up sex and Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, it describes sex by the type of genitalia you have IE vagina or penis woman or man. Before speaking in the binary a secondary description is sexually motivated, phenomena or behavior. Sex is a sexually motivated phenomena or behavior, a descriptive. But in a way this is good because that means sex is whatever the hell you want it to be. It’s whatever is considered sexual to you. When people ask this question, they aren’t usually referring to sex period. The referring to partnered sex masturbation ID, so sex is still sex. And for a lot of people it’s the Why? Because no one knows you better than you. Do know if you’re saying to me. No Marissa. I don’t enjoy masturbation either, but I would recommend you also watch my video on self-pleasure, in fact. And watch it. We should all know more about self pleasure, but for the purpose of this video, we’re going to continue on with the assumption that this question should actually be. Why don’t I enjoy partner sex? So you want to enjoy partnered sex but right now it’s just not doing anything for you. Why I’ll breakdown possible reasons that generally fall into three categories, medical psychological and self-awareness. Before we begin I just want I need to say that in an effort to speak outside of the binary, which is the system of two genders, male and female. I will often say people involve us for people with penises. As someone with either of those characteristics, could go buy a gender expression outside of what they were labeled. As at Birth, if you’re wondering why I say people with both of us and not people with vaginas. There’s a video for that too. So much knowledge. So little time. Okay, let’s get back into it. So, Enjoy partner, insects that could be a medical reason. I would encourage you to visit your back ecologist or urologist to run some tests and ask some questions. There are many medical conditions or considerations that could be affecting your ability to feel pleasure or perform. We simply don’t have time to go through all of them. But I’ll give you a quick rundown of the few of the possibilities. STIs sexually transmitted infections such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, or genital herpes. Could be making things, Stinger feel weird anywhere from your vulva vagina pelvis, penis balls, or urethra you could be low on certain hormones, like estrogen progesterone or testosterone that bun designed to help raise your desire and aware healthy. With performance age, can also affect things for a lot of mobile holders menopause can change their sexual desires and stations caveat, don’t believe the media. When I say all women stop wanting sex. After menopause, it’s off to the exact opposite. For people with vulvas. There are several conditions that can make sex more meaningful and or affect other things like your period or your facility. This is a long list. But to name a few, endometriosis vaginismus, pelvic inflammatory disease, uterine prolapse, pelvic floor, dysfunction identify osis and ovarian assessments for people with penises, there’s brush, prostatitis, Peyronie’s disease, phimosis and more before we continue none of this Is meant to scare you don’t think of this like WebMD and diagnose yourself with all of these things, talk to your doctor, do some tests and then explore options and let me also add something. It’s very possible that you could be dealing with a not-so-great doctor, no offense, all the guy knees, and you’re all just out there, but sadly, some may not take your pain, seriously. Unfortunately, it’s often up to us to demand. We want certain tests run, or to find a doctor who will Listen to us and sometimes your doctor just may not have the knowledge about specific disorders conditions or situations. Seeing a doctor is very important but don’t be discouraged. If they can’t give you all the answers, any medication or drugs, you’re on whether they’re prescribed legal illegal recreational or the like can also affect your libido and sexual Sensations. Everyone is different. So how they react to drugs and stimulants is going to Several Studies have shown that ssris also known as serotonin selected reuptake Inhibitors, which are often used to treat. Depression, can permanently, decrease, desire and inhibit orgasm. Even when discontinued in people that are assigned, female at Birth substance abuse can also lead to decrease desire in orgasm inhibition. It’s been shown that some drugs like Wellbutrin or marijuana have been known to increase desire or pleasure. But again, it’s Different for everyone. And I am not a medical provider so I can’t counsel you as to what is best for you. I just wanted you to know that the medications that you’re on. Even if there for something like cholesterol or blood pressure could be having an effect on your desire. Ability to perform sign of your diet could also be having an effect. There is also the possibility that a medical condition that has nothing to do with your genitalia is affecting your partner, sex how? Well, let’s say your dominant hand is broken. It may make it harder to complete certain sexual acts. Making you feel insecure which in turn can turn you off. That’s a wonderful segue to lead us into another category for why you may not be in. Sex. Well, partner tax psychological reasons this category. All of the categories of fact play into each other. It’s likely that your psyche is playing a part in your sexual response. Why does he go to brain? You know, emotions and feelings and a past with tons of implicit and explicit messages all roaring around in there and most of us, especially people that identify as female can’t turn off their Brains and just do it. The brain is actually the biggest most important sexual organ, so we don’t want to be turning it off. Anyway, I mentioned previously, how medications for depression and anxiety could be affecting desire, but so, to could the depression, or anxiety itself? I know you’re like, geez, can I get a break here? Depression makes everything harder, right? So why wouldn’t that translate into your sex leg and likewise with anxiety? And especially if you’re anxious, while you’re having partner sex, you might have heard of the phrase performance anxiety. It’s most often attributed to people with penises when they can get it up. IE getting erect penis, but people would have all of us can have it too. It’s just not necessarily as showy or not showy. And in our society in a cisgender heterosexual relationship, it’s not necessary for the woman’s genitalia to But how does our society Define partner sex? Most often as penile penetration of a vagina, when in actuality penetration is not how most people with vulvas even achieve orgasm. There’s also this little thing called Shame. I would wager that almost every adult has experienced sexual shame. At some point in their life, they might not have consciously acknowledged. That, that was what was happening. But it happened, someone called Slut shame. Someone said you have a small penis, shame, someone invalidated your sexuality shame. Sorry to be all Game of Thrones shame, none on you for a second but you get my point in the middle of partnered. Sex, you could be feeling subconscious or very conscious shame for Who you are, who you like, what you like, how you look, the fact that you’re even having sex, and just a whole bunch of other vs to highlight something that I just mentioned, insecurities about how you look could be affecting your pleasure to, it’s hard to feel sexy, when you’re actively feeling insecure about your body. If you’re constantly worrying about how your partner sees you during sex, but doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for your brain and your other sexual organs to get all turned on. And we can Not talk about partnering sex without talking about trauma, according to the CDC one in Four Women. And about one in twenty six men have experienced a completed or attempted rape. Additionally, one in three women and about one and nine men have experienced sexual harassment in a public place. And these are just the people that have admitted. It others may be in denial or just feel uncomfortable, saying it when you’ve been violated in that way, being in a sexual way. Place. Even if it’s with someone that you do, trust hand sometimes cause your brain and or your bodies to go back to that. Trauma, that could look like freezing climbing up, your blood pressure, increasing you running away getting violence, feeling angry feeling sad. The list goes on and it’s not just sexual trauma. That could be impacting your sex life childhood. Domestic abuse car accidents, witnessing, a death being discriminated against breaking a bone. Going to war watching a friend, to be traumatized, all of this could contribute to your brain and or your body, making it harder to have partnered or solo sax. Your mental health is probably the most important determinant of your sex life. I partnered sex is one of the places people tend to feel most vulnerable and exposed. So it’s easy for mental health issues to permeate that environment. One of the best ways to take care of, Saying if you know the word therapy therapy is so important. We all need a place where we can be our authentic messy selves with no are judgment but with a licensed professional there to listen. Our third category is self-awareness. Why is so cool. – on this list, you may think this isn’t about me. This is about us. Me. And my partner or Partners, you are Truly advocate for Your to needs because only you truly know how everything feels. I’m not saying you ignore your partner’s needs, but before we think about them, let’s make sure, you know, exactly what you like and how to communicate that to another person. Let me say that again. Do you know what you like and how to communicate that to another? Let’s actually add one more thing and how not to feel shame about what you like and the fact that You’re asking for it. Start with how you self-pleasure, how do you do it with a hand fingers? The vibrator the conferring with a pillow in the shower and your car really firm pressure slow and then fast sucking Sensations and a chair upside down in a chair smacking nipple play. I digress. But aside from the technicalities, what is the context you’re creating for yourself, or that you’re being forced to be in? Is it warm safe? Someone public? Or are you worried about someone walking in on you? Are you doing it after a stressful work day. Do you only have five minutes to get it done? Are you listening to music? Are you watching porn? Are you reading an erotic novel? Are you? And lastly what are you thinking about? Are you thinking about motions focusing on your body like you would in a dance routine? Are you imagining a character from your erotic fantasy book going down on you in a forest? Are you holding a pillow beneath you while you ride, it acting like you’re dominating a person from your favorite porno or you literally just thinking about one really hot image. Maybe you’re thinking about the loving curse of a partner and a sweet words. They whisper in your ear sex isn’t just about the tools or the environment It’s it’s also about what’s happening up here. Hell it’s mainly about what’s happening up here, know your fantasies, your preferences, your context needs. And oh no. So what turns you on when your self pleasuring? Or when you’re just walking down the street, Seriously, write a list now and don’t exclude things because you think they’re wrong or dirty. If you have a rape fantasy, it doesn’t mean you actually want to be raped. It’s a fantasy and we all have them. If it turns you on, write it down. So now you know what you like and have experimented with your turn-ons by yourself. What about communicating to a partner? It’s often hard to ask for or demand what you want some This is specially comes up for people that identify as females, females are put in a subservient position in life and society makes them believe that they should be there to please someone else. Usually a male. But if you openly and honestly communicate your desires to someone and they balk or shame you that’s on them and they got work to do for themselves having discussions and in often should happen before sex but they should also happen during sex. How I like to look at it as you’re creating a story or a situation or some kind of genital dance routine in your head when you self-pleasure, right? And yes, it’s not usually a rehearse, the scene, but like every story there’s a beginning, a middle and an end, you know, the approximate size of whatever story you’re telling and your pleasure, you know, approximately what you usually do and what you like. Adding a partner is just like adding a real-life actor to that fantasy or that routine and they’re going to need instructions or directions to know how to store. This can often be as simple as directives. Like harder to the left, go faster, kiss my neck Etc. It could be you touching yourself. And instructing them, what words do whispering in your ear while you do it? It could also be a seen you talk through and negotiate beforehand, and then play out with the safe word and place. And yeah, a lot of times it’s going to be spontaneous or in the moment, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for You like and the things that you usually do to achieve pleasure, you may be thinking my partner and I don’t like the same thing before we aren’t turned off the same way. Sexual mismatch is very common and often Partners can find an overlap or a sweet spot between two things that really work for them and sometimes they need to be okay with being the guest star in your story, helping you to climax, the way that works for you and then you can be the guest star in their story help. Them to climax in the way that For that. No one said orgasms have to happen at the same time. In fact, that is very, very rare horn. They have you think differently, but most important is fake. Highly unrealistic and performed by actors who had plastic surgery on their genitals. The last thing I asked you under the self-awareness umbrella because the idea of not feeling Shame about what you like and the fact that you’re asking for it. And that can be really hard. It’s been ingrained in us that BDSM or premarital sex or using an effing vibrator. Is that we’re not the right way to do things. When in fact, the only wrong way is when it’s not consensual or you’re actually hurting yourself or another person. But wait, there’s a little bit more because if you remember correctly, I altered the question. Why don’t I enjoy sex, too? Why do I enjoy partner sex? And we haven’t discussed your partner yet. Your partner could be struggling with any of the aforementioned things as well. Making it harder for them to reach pleasure, and or discuss sexual topics with you. Maybe they’re afraid to try that thing you like because they’ve been shamed about it in the past or maybe they’re on medication that makes it really hard for them to stay erect for more than a few minutes. So that’s why they’ve been rushing things we have to take them and their Psychological and self-awareness into account as well. If your partner is a good partner and not just like the tool or somebody incredibly emotionally unavailable men, you are looking into how to make your dual sex life better could and should bring you two closer and get you the desired result, which was, I believe tons of Juicy, pleasure and intimacy. So what was the question? I was answering. Okay, right. Why don’t I enjoy sex unless you’re on the asexuality spectrum and the word just don’t genuinely desire sex. The answer is you probably do enjoy sex. You may have underlying medical or psychological reasons but are making it harder for you to enjoy sex and more than likely you’ve been forced into a box of what Partners sex should be. Instead of making it what you want it to be. But that doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy sex. It’s your relationship. It’s Your pleasure. It’s your orgasms. You can make it all exactly what you want it to be.